Hello to all and Bright Blessings, I was busy on the New Moon and I had company visiting over that weekend and I never got a real chance to update until today, 11-28-2014. On this past New Moon I made time for a small spell, I asked for positive transformation to begin, and that negative situations become more positive and some problems and issues to be removed and for peace and harmony to come around. I will know in a few days if my request has been heard and granted, or not. Transformations take time, I may not see any serious changes until the Full Moon so until then I will keep watch for signs of anything coming to pass.
On the New Moon night I also made some white sage and mugwort herbal tea, the intent being to clear out and send away negative energy (mugwort) and provide both bodily and auric cleansing (sage). I felt like this needed to be done literally from the inside out and I wonder if this is also what made me feel very dried out Sunday when I woke up? Does anyone else have this effect when using mugwort? I just know that I woke up with really dry sinuses and skin and it was a bit itchy. The tea is bitter and astringent, the sage provides a minty, citrus taste but you still have to just suck it down, wash it down with a bit of a sweetened drink of some kind, and get it over with. A slightly bitter taste in your mouth can be remedied, it is the end result which matters most. As I have stated in the past, pregnant and nursing women should not ingest, inhale, or have serious contact with mugwort or any part of it's chemical properties as it can produce strong contractions or worse in the pregnancy and you can pass the herb's effect along into the breast milk to your child, of which effects in children have not been extensively studied or documented that I have found yet.
My Thanksgiving holiday was quiet, I went to a friend's house and stayed the night. We had a deer shoulder roast in lieu of turkey, as it seems turkey is prohibitively expensive this year. I am going to spend the rest of the weekend at home, I think I will do my shopping later when the madness of Black Friday has calmed down. I feel like I need more sleep and spending quiet time to myself seems like a better idea for the moment. I haven't wanted to socialize or see or talk to many people lately, and that seems to be the thing that a lot of other people around me seem to constantly want and need and it makes me feel physically and emotionally drained and exhausted. Today I made ginger cookies and like usual they turned into ginger pancakes in the pan but they were still good so never mind they were not perfect.
Until the Full Moon, which is on December 6,2014, I will be working on my transformation spell, visualizing what I want to see transformed and how I want the end result to be, and looking for signs of manifestation along the way. I will keep y'all posted as to what happens between here and then. I shall return..Blessed Be to All!
Friday, November 28, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
November 11,2014 New Book Published!
Hello to everyone and how has your week been thus far? I have been busy getting my book The Darkened Path Book 1: The Journey Begins published, at the moment I am waiting on it to be cleared for being uploaded to Amazon, there is only the print version available right this minute but be assured I am feverishly working on submitting the E-book version! I even forwent doing any spells or magical workings this past Full Moon because I was mad busy working on this. I have the second book in the series already started and 104 pages are written in that so far.
The Darkened Path series came into existence..by literally a dream I had about walking through a shadowed and ugly wooded path, and I was then standing in front of a dirty and old faded mirror being teased and taunted and screamed at by the things and people in my past that I longed to forget and move on from. Later in the same dream I was watching myself kneeled in a patch of dirt, writing words in a book with red (blood?) ink. I woke up the next morning, went to my computer and opened up the Word program, and started typing. Words poured into pages upon pages with memories of the past, discovering and learning about my empath and spiritual gifts, and all the things I have seen and heard and went through and done in my life for 28 years up until I moved into my apartment. I translated a massive eye opening vision onto paper, and I invite you all to see that dream by reading the book itself.
The end of book 1 sort of goes into a cliffhanger.. and then resumes again in book 2, because that time in my life was a huge and difficult transition from letting go of the past and then moving on into a new life, to become something more in myself and begin a transformation into what I needed to be inside and out for myself. That which was perhaps even designed and constructed by some Higher Power to begin with, as it even started with a surefire honest to Goddess blessing sent by The Goddess and God themselves just like I asked. The "ask and ye shall receive" idea definitely does manifest in ways that will renew faith and give hope when you need it the most.
I am going to go for the moment, lots of work to be doing, Bright Blessings everyone and I hope some of you will enjoy reading newest creation soon!
The Darkened Path series came into existence..by literally a dream I had about walking through a shadowed and ugly wooded path, and I was then standing in front of a dirty and old faded mirror being teased and taunted and screamed at by the things and people in my past that I longed to forget and move on from. Later in the same dream I was watching myself kneeled in a patch of dirt, writing words in a book with red (blood?) ink. I woke up the next morning, went to my computer and opened up the Word program, and started typing. Words poured into pages upon pages with memories of the past, discovering and learning about my empath and spiritual gifts, and all the things I have seen and heard and went through and done in my life for 28 years up until I moved into my apartment. I translated a massive eye opening vision onto paper, and I invite you all to see that dream by reading the book itself.
The end of book 1 sort of goes into a cliffhanger.. and then resumes again in book 2, because that time in my life was a huge and difficult transition from letting go of the past and then moving on into a new life, to become something more in myself and begin a transformation into what I needed to be inside and out for myself. That which was perhaps even designed and constructed by some Higher Power to begin with, as it even started with a surefire honest to Goddess blessing sent by The Goddess and God themselves just like I asked. The "ask and ye shall receive" idea definitely does manifest in ways that will renew faith and give hope when you need it the most.
I am going to go for the moment, lots of work to be doing, Bright Blessings everyone and I hope some of you will enjoy reading newest creation soon!
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Why I am a Pagan. Full Moon 11/6/2014.
Yesterday I was asked a very good question. "How did you end up being into witchcraft and magic, what led you into it and why do you practice it?" This was asked of me out of curiosity and a desire to grasp a concept of something they do not understand and they wanted to learn something about me and how it defines me as a person and why I think and believe as I do, and they are a opposite religion as me, but however they express a tolerance and acceptance for the fact I am a different faith than them. I am not judged by them nor am I less a person to them and they love me and try accept me as I am even if maybe they don't always agree with me on some things. Some people might consider this kind of questioning rude or disrespectful , I however saw the chance to enlighten and teach another person and now a few others about who I am as a person and how this path of mine has, and still does influence and shapes my life as a whole.
Why did I end up being a witch? Well that path I didn't originally pick for myself and I was not raised in the faith, I was born and raised into a Baptist family. The Pagan Path somewhat chose me, and it seems I was marked by a different form of God and Goddess or some other unknown deity before I was even born, thusly I was born into it and it was a part of me from the second I took a breath in the world. I even have a birthmark on my right arm that no one else in my family has or remember anyone else having. There were numerous signs that I was just not meant to be a Christian and that being a part of a organized faith and path was not meant to be my calling. One time I was taken to Sunday service and we were doing the communion wafer and wine ceremony, I started choking and strangling on the grape wine and wafer that stuck to my mouth like foul tasting glue and everyone in that church was looking at me like I was damned and condemned right there.. Never mind the fact I could have died on the floor from choking on a piece of bread as they weren't looking at that exactly. I was never taken back to that church again and I never went to any other church again after that. When I was 10 years old I had a preemptive, terrifying, and eye opening dream where I saw a family member fall down the barn stairs and it happened clearly as I saw it in the dream exactly two days later and I described this to another person on the phone down to the minutest detail, of which I was then asked in incredulous shock exactly how I could have possibly known about that because I was never there at all. When I opened my mouth and explained this idea then the people in my household at the time were giving me wary and angry glares, or refused to look me in the eyes and explain what this was about and why this was happening to me, they were not in the least impressed or happy about this revelation of mine. This was my first ever experience with clairvoyant dreams and I discovered much to my family's disapproval that this was not something they wanted to know or understand anything about. This so called "unacceptable" gift and sometimes curse has only become stronger and more prevalent in my life over the last 21years.
More signs came, I discovered I could sense and feel spiritual and emotional energies and that sometimes this energy would come to me and literally make itself known. I am one of those that can see, hear and perceive the presence of ghosts, spirits, and other types of energy, and I can read and sense other people's emotions, thoughts, feelings, sometimes I can feel the energy in a place or in a room especially if it has a strong presence or emotion attached to it, or is negative and has a darkness to it, I am sometimes affected by other's emotions and behaviors, and this has lead me into a life where I don't have many real friends and I am pretty reclusive and hermetic. I can very accurately make a observance of people, situations, and scenarios, and well just don't lie to me is all I can say, cause well you are just fooling yourself. I can spot something wrong even if you don't say a word and if you're hiding something well it wont take me long to figure out what it might be. Sometimes total strangers will just open up and talk to me like they are oddly compelled to suddenly spill their deepest darkest and strongest emotions. I can even spot something being hidden on a text, in a letter, and not even have to see or hear the person talking or be anywhere near them at all. How many times have I looked at someone a few minutes, opened my mouth, hit a nail dead center on its head, and had someone look at me like I am somehow a lunatic, they become scared, unnerved, uncomfortable and sometimes angry at the idea I could possibly have known something they probably haven't told anyone else or they were trying damn hard to hide it. I have only a few people who really respect and appreciate this gift of mine and actually praise and accept me for it.
How many times have I said something would or could possibly happen, and lo and behold it manifests into physical reality very shortly afterwards, again I am looked at and talked about like I am somehow mentally cracked and nothing I say or express can be believed or trusted even if proof is right there in front of their face.. well I told you already like two weeks ago this might happen or it will happen and I felt like it was going to happen and you didn't listen to me.. oh well.... I know how that curse of Cassandra must feel like now. Those of you that don't know..in Greek Mythology, Cassandra was the love interest of Apollo, he loved her so much and she rejected him , he had gifted her with the gift of prophesy but since he was rejected and scorned now the gift would come with the price being that whenever she spoke her prophesies and truths that no one would believe her. Tragically and ironically, Cassandra died alone, eventually being driven completely insane by grief and the tortures of knowing her truths would never be believed and to others she was nothing but a liar, con artist, and madwoman. The price and the sacrifices of divine knowledge is sometimes very heavy indeed. All types of us Mediums, Empaths, and Highly Sensitive type people are said to possibly descend from this woman according to some sources.
What led me to Paganism? Well the discovery that I was so obviously different, unacceptable, unnatural and many other negative terms, led me to find a way to make sense and have peace inside my tortured soul and mind about why I was not like everyone else in my house and those around me that were "normal". I wanted and craved acceptance and approval and acknowledgement from myself and from others. I wanted to find out what this thing was supposedly wrong about me and why people were looking at me like I was the devil incarnate and shying away from me like I had some kind of taint on me that would never come clean. It was made very clear to me that everything about me and the things I had a natural affinity for was the blackest of sins and it was supposed to be ignored, repressed, stamped out, washed clean, like I had some kind of filth and disease all over me and inside me that they couldn't stand or tolerate.
I was not allowed to even breathe a word of anything I saw or experienced, or to exhibit any kind of behavior in public or at home that would hint at the fact I was possibly unstable, needed mental therapy, or that I lived in a absurd and foolish fantasy world that no one believed in and the things I spoke about or acted out in any way was not to be displayed in any way, shape or form. I spent a lot of my younger years stewing in suppressed mental and physical misery and I stayed depressed, angry, and upset inside over this. I could see, hear, sense, feel, this wild and pulsing energy and presence that was alive and screaming at me to acknowledge it and I had to find some way to appease and satisfy both my need to understand myself and understand what was supposedly "wrong" with me. In my household and sometimes in public I felt oppressed, repressed, chained down, suffocated and denied something that was not going to be ignored and it wasn't just going to disappear just because others tried to pretend it wasn't there. Trying to make yourself be, act, and feel like something you are just not going to be is a disaster waiting to happen, and numerous occasions this pent up energy and frustration came busting out and showed itself in some not so fantastic displays of potentially dangerous manifestations of the stove eyes exploding, stuff catching fire, electrical appliances and light fixtures refusing to work or malfunctioning, one year a row of green beans I planted thrived and was pretty while the plants that my papaw planted withered and died like they were sick without any real explanation. This is reminiscent of poltergeist activity, and almost always the center of this activity is a female child that is going through some serious changes and no one is paying attention or trying to understand that.
I also discovered I loved to grow things, herbs, plants, flowers, anything green, I love rose bushes, sweet smelling flowers, and herbal plants, animals usually like me and sometimes even come to see me from nowhere as if I called them to me, this is usually a dog, cat, or something furry and four legged, I have 4 huge and healthy goldfish that probably should be dead by now but they are thriving in a cramped 10 gallon tank. I seriously need them a bigger tank or a new home soon! There's a one specific crow living in my neighborhood that sends out a loud and raucous greeting every time it sees me outside anywhere and I find perfect glossy black crow feathers a lot down here on the lawns. Sometimes babies and little kids exhibit a strong fascination and need to be around me, small babies have immediately quit crying and fusing the second they see me or even just fall asleep if I am holding them. I am unusually "charming" and give off a strangely attractive, and interesting vibe to the opposite sex, I cant walk 15 minutes to the store without being asked at least once by strange men if I need a ride anywhere. this gets annoying after awhile. I have seen much more beautiful women than me..so yeah I got some interesting attractive mojo going on!!
Why do I practice this path? One day in my teen years I was about 16 I suppose, after several hundred so called unnatural, abnormal and unaccepted incidents, happenings, and I got into high school, I had a few friends that occasionally talked about and discussed things about paganism, witchcraft, and other topics, and I was magnetically pulled and drawn like a moth to a raging bonfire, and I borrowed a book one day from a close friend and I started reading into it and the more I read it clicked like a missing puzzle piece in my brain and I was overcame with a immense excitement, and overwhelming peace and joy in myself..this was what I wanted, needed, craved, and had been searching for!! It all made perfect, logical, clear cut sense to me like I had just had my eyes and brain opened and saw a whole new world that had not been there before and I began to devour every piece of information I could find from every available source I could get it from.
One particular incident stands out clearly in my mind..one day a note was taken from one of my friends in class, of which we had been discussing witchcraft and other related topics and planning to have a weekend to ourselves to hang out and maybe test out a few theories, and of course so I could learn some more without being discovered. Her mom was a pagan, she had tons upon tons of information she was willing to share with me. So anyways this note of ours was snatched away by the teacher and after she decided to read it to the whole class it landed on the desk of the assistant principle who so happened to be a deacon of his church, I and my friend were expelled from school for two days as punishment. One for passing notes and two for discussing a religious topic in a "religiously neutral setting". Um yeah that was really the whole reason we were actually expelled as if we didn't know that already... the whole time he was discussing this with our families I thought he was about to pass out or have a coronary. My family members I was living with at the time were beyond furious I would shame and ridicule them in front of someone like a deacon of the church and on top of that get myself expelled and I was again forced conform and mold myself to something that made me miserable and unhappy and almost sick inside. I was also never allowed to see the inside of my friends house ever again after that.
While I was careful for a long time to never exhibit or display anything outwardly concerning my newfound path or my interest in it, I was at least able to find and cultivate some inner happiness and I was finally on a path that made sense and at least spiritually inside and I was able to cope with it all a lot better, knowing I had a explanation and something to find comfort and solace in. I did not dive full force into seriously practicing anything related to witchcraft or paganism until I was in my 20s, by this time I as married and moved to another state and my then husband was ok with the fact that I wanted to try out and experience new things and learn about myself as a person and what I was capable of and what I could really do with myself. And when I dig my hands into herbs, candle making supplies, making oils, powders, tinctures, and other crafts, I feel whole inside. I am accomplishing something, I am manifesting and growing into truest and most pure form of myself and what I am and was meant to be, I am being what I know I am inside and learning and growing into something beautiful and strong. I am empowered unto myself. Making crafts, learning and casting new spells and studying different kinds of practices, brings me personal fulfillment in ways I cant really describe. I know now there wasn't and never will be anything "wrong" with me.
I am something beautiful and perfect in my own way that others prove that they are not sometimes and I have found out that I am a lot better person morally and spiritually than a lot of people I know that claim to be living a "right" way. I have seen people that claim to be living "right", and they very often prove that they are liars, hypocrites, judgmental, cruel, spiteful, jealous, hateful, and many other negative things, they hurt others and make others miserable, under the idea they are "right" and what they believe and do and say is "right". They will even let their own negativity interfere with and make attempts to destroy and wreck relationships and find ways to get this to happen if they think and feel it is right or better for you or others. If I am "wrong" or something have said or done is "wrong" then let my Creator tell me that when I finally reach the point where my deeds and actions and words have to be weighed in on as to whether or not I get to be blessed and receive my reward or I am damned and condemned to be punished in whatever form of "Hell" or the underworld I am seen to be needing to go to. Either way it goes I will accept that, and learn from my possible mistakes and become a better person in the next life when I get to that bridge. Until then I am only as guilty as the next sinner and only as righteous as the next saint.
I am going to be 32 soon, in January, it has taken me a long time to finally find myself inside as a person and as a spiritual self, and I am still learning and growing and becoming that person. I follow a path that is older than time itself and older than most recorded civilizations itself, long before any organized faith came into existence, the Pagan path and people like me existed and were considered leaders, teachers, holy, powerful, strong, beautiful, and even worshipped as a living and breathing walking form of a Goddess, God or divine form of a deity, we sometimes become the mouthpiece of the Goddess and God, given a task that means we are to see and speak the truths of the world and everything in it, even those truths that are ugly and sometimes not pleasant to look at or examine and people want to hide them away, , even if there are some that will never believe that or they scoff and ridicule that, well let them see and know in their own time. We are sometimes the inspiration of what true and pure love is and what real acceptance, trust, loyalty and happiness is, we are sometimes the forbearer of sickness, calamity, injury, strife, famine, war, there must be a bringer and messenger of that too, there is no Light without Darkness to balance and bring it into existence. I am both the Light, and I can also be the Darkness, sometimes I can be in between and sometimes that is what is needed. And that is what I am and what I will continue to be and no one and nothing can take that from me or change it.
I could go on and on and continue this discussion but I think I answered the questions set before me well enough and others can interpret these answers as they see fit and believe and think what they will. I am going to go for now and Bright Blessings to everyone.
Why did I end up being a witch? Well that path I didn't originally pick for myself and I was not raised in the faith, I was born and raised into a Baptist family. The Pagan Path somewhat chose me, and it seems I was marked by a different form of God and Goddess or some other unknown deity before I was even born, thusly I was born into it and it was a part of me from the second I took a breath in the world. I even have a birthmark on my right arm that no one else in my family has or remember anyone else having. There were numerous signs that I was just not meant to be a Christian and that being a part of a organized faith and path was not meant to be my calling. One time I was taken to Sunday service and we were doing the communion wafer and wine ceremony, I started choking and strangling on the grape wine and wafer that stuck to my mouth like foul tasting glue and everyone in that church was looking at me like I was damned and condemned right there.. Never mind the fact I could have died on the floor from choking on a piece of bread as they weren't looking at that exactly. I was never taken back to that church again and I never went to any other church again after that. When I was 10 years old I had a preemptive, terrifying, and eye opening dream where I saw a family member fall down the barn stairs and it happened clearly as I saw it in the dream exactly two days later and I described this to another person on the phone down to the minutest detail, of which I was then asked in incredulous shock exactly how I could have possibly known about that because I was never there at all. When I opened my mouth and explained this idea then the people in my household at the time were giving me wary and angry glares, or refused to look me in the eyes and explain what this was about and why this was happening to me, they were not in the least impressed or happy about this revelation of mine. This was my first ever experience with clairvoyant dreams and I discovered much to my family's disapproval that this was not something they wanted to know or understand anything about. This so called "unacceptable" gift and sometimes curse has only become stronger and more prevalent in my life over the last 21years.
More signs came, I discovered I could sense and feel spiritual and emotional energies and that sometimes this energy would come to me and literally make itself known. I am one of those that can see, hear and perceive the presence of ghosts, spirits, and other types of energy, and I can read and sense other people's emotions, thoughts, feelings, sometimes I can feel the energy in a place or in a room especially if it has a strong presence or emotion attached to it, or is negative and has a darkness to it, I am sometimes affected by other's emotions and behaviors, and this has lead me into a life where I don't have many real friends and I am pretty reclusive and hermetic. I can very accurately make a observance of people, situations, and scenarios, and well just don't lie to me is all I can say, cause well you are just fooling yourself. I can spot something wrong even if you don't say a word and if you're hiding something well it wont take me long to figure out what it might be. Sometimes total strangers will just open up and talk to me like they are oddly compelled to suddenly spill their deepest darkest and strongest emotions. I can even spot something being hidden on a text, in a letter, and not even have to see or hear the person talking or be anywhere near them at all. How many times have I looked at someone a few minutes, opened my mouth, hit a nail dead center on its head, and had someone look at me like I am somehow a lunatic, they become scared, unnerved, uncomfortable and sometimes angry at the idea I could possibly have known something they probably haven't told anyone else or they were trying damn hard to hide it. I have only a few people who really respect and appreciate this gift of mine and actually praise and accept me for it.
How many times have I said something would or could possibly happen, and lo and behold it manifests into physical reality very shortly afterwards, again I am looked at and talked about like I am somehow mentally cracked and nothing I say or express can be believed or trusted even if proof is right there in front of their face.. well I told you already like two weeks ago this might happen or it will happen and I felt like it was going to happen and you didn't listen to me.. oh well.... I know how that curse of Cassandra must feel like now. Those of you that don't know..in Greek Mythology, Cassandra was the love interest of Apollo, he loved her so much and she rejected him , he had gifted her with the gift of prophesy but since he was rejected and scorned now the gift would come with the price being that whenever she spoke her prophesies and truths that no one would believe her. Tragically and ironically, Cassandra died alone, eventually being driven completely insane by grief and the tortures of knowing her truths would never be believed and to others she was nothing but a liar, con artist, and madwoman. The price and the sacrifices of divine knowledge is sometimes very heavy indeed. All types of us Mediums, Empaths, and Highly Sensitive type people are said to possibly descend from this woman according to some sources.
What led me to Paganism? Well the discovery that I was so obviously different, unacceptable, unnatural and many other negative terms, led me to find a way to make sense and have peace inside my tortured soul and mind about why I was not like everyone else in my house and those around me that were "normal". I wanted and craved acceptance and approval and acknowledgement from myself and from others. I wanted to find out what this thing was supposedly wrong about me and why people were looking at me like I was the devil incarnate and shying away from me like I had some kind of taint on me that would never come clean. It was made very clear to me that everything about me and the things I had a natural affinity for was the blackest of sins and it was supposed to be ignored, repressed, stamped out, washed clean, like I had some kind of filth and disease all over me and inside me that they couldn't stand or tolerate.
I was not allowed to even breathe a word of anything I saw or experienced, or to exhibit any kind of behavior in public or at home that would hint at the fact I was possibly unstable, needed mental therapy, or that I lived in a absurd and foolish fantasy world that no one believed in and the things I spoke about or acted out in any way was not to be displayed in any way, shape or form. I spent a lot of my younger years stewing in suppressed mental and physical misery and I stayed depressed, angry, and upset inside over this. I could see, hear, sense, feel, this wild and pulsing energy and presence that was alive and screaming at me to acknowledge it and I had to find some way to appease and satisfy both my need to understand myself and understand what was supposedly "wrong" with me. In my household and sometimes in public I felt oppressed, repressed, chained down, suffocated and denied something that was not going to be ignored and it wasn't just going to disappear just because others tried to pretend it wasn't there. Trying to make yourself be, act, and feel like something you are just not going to be is a disaster waiting to happen, and numerous occasions this pent up energy and frustration came busting out and showed itself in some not so fantastic displays of potentially dangerous manifestations of the stove eyes exploding, stuff catching fire, electrical appliances and light fixtures refusing to work or malfunctioning, one year a row of green beans I planted thrived and was pretty while the plants that my papaw planted withered and died like they were sick without any real explanation. This is reminiscent of poltergeist activity, and almost always the center of this activity is a female child that is going through some serious changes and no one is paying attention or trying to understand that.
I also discovered I loved to grow things, herbs, plants, flowers, anything green, I love rose bushes, sweet smelling flowers, and herbal plants, animals usually like me and sometimes even come to see me from nowhere as if I called them to me, this is usually a dog, cat, or something furry and four legged, I have 4 huge and healthy goldfish that probably should be dead by now but they are thriving in a cramped 10 gallon tank. I seriously need them a bigger tank or a new home soon! There's a one specific crow living in my neighborhood that sends out a loud and raucous greeting every time it sees me outside anywhere and I find perfect glossy black crow feathers a lot down here on the lawns. Sometimes babies and little kids exhibit a strong fascination and need to be around me, small babies have immediately quit crying and fusing the second they see me or even just fall asleep if I am holding them. I am unusually "charming" and give off a strangely attractive, and interesting vibe to the opposite sex, I cant walk 15 minutes to the store without being asked at least once by strange men if I need a ride anywhere. this gets annoying after awhile. I have seen much more beautiful women than me..so yeah I got some interesting attractive mojo going on!!
Why do I practice this path? One day in my teen years I was about 16 I suppose, after several hundred so called unnatural, abnormal and unaccepted incidents, happenings, and I got into high school, I had a few friends that occasionally talked about and discussed things about paganism, witchcraft, and other topics, and I was magnetically pulled and drawn like a moth to a raging bonfire, and I borrowed a book one day from a close friend and I started reading into it and the more I read it clicked like a missing puzzle piece in my brain and I was overcame with a immense excitement, and overwhelming peace and joy in myself..this was what I wanted, needed, craved, and had been searching for!! It all made perfect, logical, clear cut sense to me like I had just had my eyes and brain opened and saw a whole new world that had not been there before and I began to devour every piece of information I could find from every available source I could get it from.
One particular incident stands out clearly in my mind..one day a note was taken from one of my friends in class, of which we had been discussing witchcraft and other related topics and planning to have a weekend to ourselves to hang out and maybe test out a few theories, and of course so I could learn some more without being discovered. Her mom was a pagan, she had tons upon tons of information she was willing to share with me. So anyways this note of ours was snatched away by the teacher and after she decided to read it to the whole class it landed on the desk of the assistant principle who so happened to be a deacon of his church, I and my friend were expelled from school for two days as punishment. One for passing notes and two for discussing a religious topic in a "religiously neutral setting". Um yeah that was really the whole reason we were actually expelled as if we didn't know that already... the whole time he was discussing this with our families I thought he was about to pass out or have a coronary. My family members I was living with at the time were beyond furious I would shame and ridicule them in front of someone like a deacon of the church and on top of that get myself expelled and I was again forced conform and mold myself to something that made me miserable and unhappy and almost sick inside. I was also never allowed to see the inside of my friends house ever again after that.
While I was careful for a long time to never exhibit or display anything outwardly concerning my newfound path or my interest in it, I was at least able to find and cultivate some inner happiness and I was finally on a path that made sense and at least spiritually inside and I was able to cope with it all a lot better, knowing I had a explanation and something to find comfort and solace in. I did not dive full force into seriously practicing anything related to witchcraft or paganism until I was in my 20s, by this time I as married and moved to another state and my then husband was ok with the fact that I wanted to try out and experience new things and learn about myself as a person and what I was capable of and what I could really do with myself. And when I dig my hands into herbs, candle making supplies, making oils, powders, tinctures, and other crafts, I feel whole inside. I am accomplishing something, I am manifesting and growing into truest and most pure form of myself and what I am and was meant to be, I am being what I know I am inside and learning and growing into something beautiful and strong. I am empowered unto myself. Making crafts, learning and casting new spells and studying different kinds of practices, brings me personal fulfillment in ways I cant really describe. I know now there wasn't and never will be anything "wrong" with me.
I am something beautiful and perfect in my own way that others prove that they are not sometimes and I have found out that I am a lot better person morally and spiritually than a lot of people I know that claim to be living a "right" way. I have seen people that claim to be living "right", and they very often prove that they are liars, hypocrites, judgmental, cruel, spiteful, jealous, hateful, and many other negative things, they hurt others and make others miserable, under the idea they are "right" and what they believe and do and say is "right". They will even let their own negativity interfere with and make attempts to destroy and wreck relationships and find ways to get this to happen if they think and feel it is right or better for you or others. If I am "wrong" or something have said or done is "wrong" then let my Creator tell me that when I finally reach the point where my deeds and actions and words have to be weighed in on as to whether or not I get to be blessed and receive my reward or I am damned and condemned to be punished in whatever form of "Hell" or the underworld I am seen to be needing to go to. Either way it goes I will accept that, and learn from my possible mistakes and become a better person in the next life when I get to that bridge. Until then I am only as guilty as the next sinner and only as righteous as the next saint.
I am going to be 32 soon, in January, it has taken me a long time to finally find myself inside as a person and as a spiritual self, and I am still learning and growing and becoming that person. I follow a path that is older than time itself and older than most recorded civilizations itself, long before any organized faith came into existence, the Pagan path and people like me existed and were considered leaders, teachers, holy, powerful, strong, beautiful, and even worshipped as a living and breathing walking form of a Goddess, God or divine form of a deity, we sometimes become the mouthpiece of the Goddess and God, given a task that means we are to see and speak the truths of the world and everything in it, even those truths that are ugly and sometimes not pleasant to look at or examine and people want to hide them away, , even if there are some that will never believe that or they scoff and ridicule that, well let them see and know in their own time. We are sometimes the inspiration of what true and pure love is and what real acceptance, trust, loyalty and happiness is, we are sometimes the forbearer of sickness, calamity, injury, strife, famine, war, there must be a bringer and messenger of that too, there is no Light without Darkness to balance and bring it into existence. I am both the Light, and I can also be the Darkness, sometimes I can be in between and sometimes that is what is needed. And that is what I am and what I will continue to be and no one and nothing can take that from me or change it.
I could go on and on and continue this discussion but I think I answered the questions set before me well enough and others can interpret these answers as they see fit and believe and think what they will. I am going to go for now and Bright Blessings to everyone.
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