This has not been a good week for me. I have taken most of the week off from my regular job, my youngest daughter is flying back to Maine in the morning, going back home to her father, until next June. I have partial custody of our child and I only get summer breaks with her. what little time I get just isn't enough and I spent most of what was supposed to be our time together as mother and child, having to work and allowing my male best friend to keep her while I was working. To say I am severely depressed is a understatement. I feel like I'm about to attend a funeral. My bosses are probably not happy with me not being at work but I will not miss the last day my child is here for anything on this earth, especially not a chicken factory. she is my beautiful flower, and for me Spring will not come again until June, and Winter begins in September in my world, after she goes home. In my life, there is no real joy or blissful happiness towards too much or towards anyone until I see her again, the times that she is not here, the days blur together into a grey and blackened hued torturously drawn out space of time where its the same act of pretending I give a damn about living, but just a different day of the week. for 36 weeks from today.. I'm going to eat because my body demands it, work because I need to pay bills, take care of my oldest son because I'm his only parent and provider I love him fiercely he is my firstborn and he is a fine son, but I admit guilt at the fact I have a special place in myself for my precious daughter., I'll take care of the house and chores because I hate a dirty house, but other than that..I could care less. I'll just be "living" on autopilot until June. No, this act of trying to be semi alive is not healthy or normal for anyone. I would not advise it as a lifestyle choice to anyone else.
Another thing which lays heavy and bitterly dark on my mind is the possibility that I will end up no longer being "best friends" with the person I have a strong romantic interest in, he is the above mentioned babysitter to my children and we have been friends ever since I have lived here in my apartment, about two years now. Our issues at the moment are mostly because of my frustration, doubts, insecurities, and general feeling of being horribly let down at his lack of romantic interest towards me and oh he just wants to be friends and "cant" give me anymore than that for who knows how long and he doesn't even want to bother trying. He has his reasons and what have you, thanks to a nasty break up and his life being ripped to bloody jagged pieces by his child's mother, but I say its long past time he got over some of this and started acting like he is alive and he has blood in his brain , heart, and body, instead of lead. And open his eyes, ears, and soul to what and whom has been standing right in front of him for months! After three years of being single and alone I finally lay eyes on a man I believe is a strongly suitable compatible match with me and oh this is what I get for all my efforts at trying so hard to be a great friend and show all the love and support I can think to give both emotionally and otherwise? Perhaps I am just being stupid in believing I just might get that one thing my heart yearns for most and I am just a fool to even try to have that in my life anymore! I am disgusted, let down, frustrated, angry, and slightly broken hearted. he knows how this makes me feel inside, and only thing he tries to do or offer me back in return is still attempting to be my best friend.. and hoping it will be good enough for now. It would not matter if he just might have the same feelings and desires for me, he is not going to bother with being a more self assured man and finally acting on any of it. He's going to keep that brick and steel wall of his heart sealed off like a fortress until he is ready to give it, and I am standing outside that wall basically beating my fists and shouting laments of love in vain. I've strongly considered just breaking off everything. That dark, bitter, morbid depressive, manic self destructive, part of my mind whispers its poisonous ideas to me that he is never going to be the man that I need him to be in all the ways I need and I should just get rid of him and be done with it all, to stop wasting what I'm freely and sincerely giving on someone that will possibly not ever reciprocate it in the same ways and ideals. and then again, the hopeful, yearning , needful part of me, which sometimes I tell myself I do not need this part of myself anymore that I am strong and independent of anyone and anything I might "need" , tells me that I need to hold on a bit longer, give some more love, support, and patience, and just possibly what I'm trying so hard to give and get across to him will eventually blossom into something wonderful and fulfilling with time. Maybe in releasing my own darkness..i am creating a path for lighter and brighter things for both myself and him and mine and his family and our lives? That, in finally relearning how to love and trust and open up and allow myself to love and trust and have needs and desires for someone else that I know needs me.. I might finally heal some deep wounds and maybe heal his too? Only time will tell, but how long will it be? How much patience and inner strength do I have to put into this frustrating obstacle called his broken heart and soul? I wish Goddess herself would throw a brick onto his head and knock some sense into him! I'm sorry to all my readers that are reading this and probably thinking I'm losing my cool and my nerves, normally I am strong minded and grounded and calmly centered but here lately these things and plenty other else has me hot and fuming and yanking at the chains binding the wolf inside. Blessed Be to All and please have a wonderful day!
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