New Moon tonight.

Tonight is a new moon in the sign of Cancer. A emotional and somewhat sensitive time as emotions, thoughts, and inner selves are moody, restless, and running high from extremes of anger and peace, to love and hate, and anything in between. I can personally attest to this as I have been going through a really hard time in my mind and heart about a situation with someone that seems to have no resolution aside from them just wanting to call it all quits and throw up their hands and leave and walk out of what should be a fantastic friendship. And when I try to get to the root cause of the real problem, that which I know is not just about me or even anything to do with me exactly, I am accused of things I have not done and acting in ways that I am not. sure its a smart idea to blame me and make me look like the problem to justify yourself ?


It hurts me deeply that I know what I was doing was right and I never actually done anything to hurt anyone but I am getting the shit anyway. It hurts me I have to let someone go that means very much to me because nothing seems to go right and every time we try to be friends or really have anything meaningful there is always a drama, problem, a longwinded explanation about who, what, when, and why,,or some run along story, or even a outright lie to excuse their behavior, actions, and lack of, or it's about how someone else might feel or think or do,or it's use someone else for a excuse and go to them to save their ass, because they cant bother with really being dead honest and come out with the actual truth. If you don't want to see me, talk to me, or have me around you can just tell me and get it over with. And the whole "I'm not getting what I want and need in my life so no one else is getting anything from me either" childish crap which serves no purpose but to make everyone and themselves miserable.


It seems no one is really considering how I might think or feel, or what I may have wanted or needed its just about what they want and what's good for them and how they want things to go. Maybe yes they do want to be their own person and go on with just their life and be themselves without attachments or commitments but please do not hurt others or drag others into your black hole of a life and cause them pain and misery and heartache either! I'm not a child you can tell me how to do things, how I have to act or behave, or how I need to be as a person or else I don't get anything from someone, I am not a dog that you can tell to mind and I am going to obey and bow down and play submissive just because someone seems to think they can get by with treating me like that. This selfish, self centered, controlling, dominating, ridiculously childish power trip they are on is not going to work with me and I am fed up and done! If friends, family, and others are walking out on them and refusing to have anything to do with them I am not surprised and am beginning to understand why.


Nevermind how much time, effort, emotions and selflessness I gave in trying to be the best friend I knew to be and how much I cared and wanted to care. Never mind how I treated them extremely well and tried to be the person they actually deserved to have. If I give something I would appreciate something in return but I basically got nothing out of it so I feel used and cheated and pissed on. It's better to hurt someone else so long as it means they don't have to be hurt? It's fine they treat you like others have treated them because it makes them feel better inside about themselves and how they get treated?  It's ok they keep going back to the same people that treated them like shit in the past and expect something to change, hoping if they do something right this time maybe it will be different, only to be hurt and let down because nothing changed and they end up getting hurt again, so they go straight back to the family and best friend and treat them like shit and shut themselves off from everyone and refuse to see or talk to anyone for weeks and ignore everyone and hide in their room and act like a moody teenager that isn't getting their way. And when you try to even talk to them to find out if they are ok or they need anything or what the problem is it gets you blown up at like its all to do with you and everything wrong in their life is somehow your fault or something you done. And they get mad at themselves and feel like shit and guilty and whatever else, because they know they have acted like a royal ass, but still accuse you of pushing things and trying to force yourself into their life, when you really haven't done that,it's them that hasn't bothered to call or have anything to do with you for weeks, and they call you names and accuse you of being someone you aren't are not and try to make you appear to be something and someone you know you aren't so they can justify themselves about what they haven't done and how they are not acting or being for themselves and you.  


What hurts me the most is I gave a hell of a lot for someone and something I originally believed was really going to be worth my time and effort and what I was willing to be and give. And every time I thought they were going forward they want to step back and shy away and refuse to move like a stubborn, balking mule's ass that is stuck in a mud hole and you have to all but stick a cattle prod to their ass and either hurt their feelings or piss them off or arouse some kind of strong emotion to get them to do anything or even to take a step forward in a better direction and even if they know you are right and what you're doing is right they still wont allow you to help or care for them.  Its always about what someone else is possibly going to say or what they might do or what they might think, they are always allowing others to somehow influence or have control over what they can do or who they can see or have anything to do with, and how they can or cant go on with their lives.


Maybe I really do see that deep down, this person is worth what I can give them and they really can be a better person and be a good person for themselves and maybe me too, but it is just not going to happen right now and the way it's going right now it may not ever, and I feel very let down and disappointed. I'm trying to not be depressed and feel ashamed of myself  because I really don't have a reason to be feeling that way. I know I did and said the right things and I tried  everything I know to be the right kind of person. but I cant help feeling like somehow I have lost something important and meaningful to me and there is no real way I can fix it and I hate feeling helpless and lost like that. Maybe before long I will see a sign of something good and things will look up for the better for at least one of us, if I have to go on with my life and forget everything I had with this friend then I guess that's what is going to be.  anyone reading this I'd appreciate some guidance or words of inspiration ..I feel so low inside myself right now and I'm struggling inside with what to do or how to feel..     

June, 8, 2013

I have been sitting here contemplating heavily on some of the spellwork I have done. One in particular seems to be still strongly exerting it's influence, that would be the Seal Up Your Problems jar spell I done several months ago the date says October 2013. I have seen particular inscriptions manifest slowly but surely from that last one, some in ways I specifically asked for, and some that are more subtle and harder to spot until I sit and think about it or I somehow get a sign or see and hear something that brings certain passages I wrote to mind. Most of everything I have asked for has happened and is still unfolding in the ways I have asked and situations happening further to ensure it will continue to unfold until it is all completed and the previous manifestations that have already happened will stay that way. Some things I didn't ask for have happened that seem to co-relate to the way the spell is working in what looks to be a protective and preventative nature. In essence, it has now created a protective aura on its own volition that is meant to accentuate and compliment my requests so that things can continue to happen accordingly, it is like watching a rose bud out and flower and surround itself with a massive wall of thorns, and each thorn that grows its meant to protect and preserve the beautiful flower that will eventually blossom.


 Although I am kind of quirking a brow at the way some of it has happened even if I understand the why of it. I seriously think I created one very powerful and long lasting impact and it was my own original creation of which I can say I am proud of. It takes true skill to create something that strong and resonating and it be one of your own making from scratch and a flash of a idea.


However.. I am seeing a bits and pieces that I did not anticipate or plan on, that too seems to have its own reasons for happening. One effect has sprang up that I didn't expect which is probably a inevitable consequence to it all, and maybe it I still better for it to be that way for the time being even if I'm not too enthused about it. Sometimes you get what you ask to see done knowing for a fact it is ultimately best for all involved, only to have a slightly undesirable outcome develop on the side that does not go as anticipated or planned. Maybe that was meant to happen too, it is part of the full entire manifestation of what I asked for to begin with and the direction it is all taking is in fact exactly what is needed even if I am not entirely enthused or happy about some of the results. As with all good things done for the sake of all involved and situations surrounding them, there is always at least one not so good thing will happen, as even the most perceivably perfect of roses have a spot or blemish somewhere, that is the law of everything in this world.






So even perceivably negative outcomes are still positive in their own way even if you don't see or understand it at the time. Nothing is absolutely divinely perfect down to the finest detail and I am trying to understand how it is that some of the undesirable effects  will be part of something good even if I am not seeing it clearly, perhaps it is also a protective measure meant for me, in that I need to retreat to a safer distance out of the way and be cut off from the details and action a bit in order for other things to manifest accordingly. Some other things have happened that appear to be a preventative measure in order to keep it all in check and under control. I created something, therefore I have to stand back and watch it germinate, grow into what it is meant to become and eventually come to the ends it is meant to. 






I have contemplated undoing the last jar spell and breaking the seal and destroying it and the contents, wondering if I may have went a bit too far with attempting to fix what was a massive and ongoing problem, my intentions were honorable and justifiable and more for others' good than my own. However the possible resulting actions and consequences of me undoing all of that work might be much worse off and cause every good thing that has come of it to come crashing down in a massive defeat and everything will literally go to hell in a hand basket, so I believe it is safer by just leaving it alone and allowing it to do its work. I do not want to  screw up and undo all the good things that have happened thus far on a niggling doubt that I maybe overstepped myself in some way. I think if that were the case then none of my requests would have ever happened as they have already. If it's not broken then don't try to fix it and if its still working then leave it alone!





Considering how well it is still working, I suppose I have to take everything I am seeing with a heaping spoon of salt and accept that just maybe that is in fact what should be happening if that is what is needed to achieve the original goal. Who am I exactly to question or frown upon the Goddess and God's final decisions? I only asked for the outcome, how it happens to present itself and in what ways is entirely up to them to do as they see fit. Whether or not I agree or approve with the exact way it is carried out isn't really relevant so long as the original purpose and goal is achieved and completed. What I have to deal with as a result whether good, bad or something in between is also not just up to me and most likely also for my higher good even if I don't like some of it.  I will update on this situation again soon when I see anything else is happening. For now, Blessed Be to All!

Friday May 6, 2014 Money Spell Night

Tonight is money spell night for me, I always try to do drawing spell work on the Friday before the Full moon. As to a update on the Money Spell I ordered some time ago I have to say it has worked much better than I expected. To find this money spell go to whitemagicalchemy.com. The spell is labeled "Immediate Money Drawing Spell Kit" under the section titled "Spells and Spell Kits". That is where I bought the spell from. It is better for me to give the information to where it is found rather than possibly infringe on anyone's rights to their own work. I apologize again for never writing sooner..due to some financial setbacks I was forced to cancel my internet at home and writing a blog post on a tiny phone screen is about impossible! This new money spell is going to be strengthened and we shall hopefully see positive results in a week's time.


The Full moon falls on a Friday the 13th this month. The number 13 is associated with change and transformation, according to the Tarot, 13 is the Death card, signifying change, radical transformations, breakage of old lifestyles and life patterns, and sometimes even actual death , in order to make way for new beginnings that need to take place so we can become something more, or that something that needs to end,will do so, in order to bring about new life. so perhaps I will finally see some things I have been desperately been hoping for , to transform into reality instead of a wistful fancy. Or it could very well be that a lot of things will end for me, in painful ways that I require to grow and become something and someone more to myself and those around me. And just maybe, if Gods and Goddesses favor my requests, I will see a very good change in financial status.   




I have also been somewhat depressed over a friendship that is seemingly trying to end on the other person's side. It seems no matter what I do or say or want and need..it seems that it is possibly going to happen anyway and they have walked away and given up? It makes me very depressed and disheartened because this person means very much to me in a lot of ways. But I guess but even the best kinds of love amongst friends sometimes doesn't last and doesn't become forever and a day. It is perhaps my doing in some ways..I tend to push and prod things when I feel a fire needs lit under it and action needs to be taken and occasionally I am guilty of shoving it when a gentle tap was all was needed. When I know I am right about something or someone and I see something that I know is there, very little can dissuade me from what and whom that I feel should be in my life or I should have, and the reasons given as to why not isn't something I want to see and hear especially when I know its just a load of crap and it never should be there to begin with.   




Occasionally my brand of love, care and support,, given in any context, is a bit much for the other person to cope with or deal with and I find myself abandoned and left behind and purposely forgotten and they move onto others that are less intense in personality and action. I am guilty of being just too much of a lot of good things and I give it selflessly without regret or remorse with all I've got, and when I am not receiving back what I'm giving, I feel very frustrated, fed up, and downcast and I make no bones about expressing it verbally and otherwise.


 Why sometimes The Gods and Goddesses puts someone in your life for a lengthy amount of time, and causes you to love and care for them and be all that they need you to be, and then take them away and leaves a big blank space in your life where they used to be,and it leaves you clueless and scrambling for answers as to exactly why and how it is going to be this way, is beyond my comprehension at times. I suppose I will see the answers to it all in due time. Right now I have to say my heart and spirit is very heavy and sorrowful. I guess what will be , will be, and I am just a mere mortal whose life Fate likes to play games with to see what kind of person I'm really made of.




well I shall return later and actually update like I say I will, I have to go now and prepare my space for tonight. Blessed Be To All!