New Moon tonight.

Tonight is a new moon in the sign of Cancer. A emotional and somewhat sensitive time as emotions, thoughts, and inner selves are moody, restless, and running high from extremes of anger and peace, to love and hate, and anything in between. I can personally attest to this as I have been going through a really hard time in my mind and heart about a situation with someone that seems to have no resolution aside from them just wanting to call it all quits and throw up their hands and leave and walk out of what should be a fantastic friendship. And when I try to get to the root cause of the real problem, that which I know is not just about me or even anything to do with me exactly, I am accused of things I have not done and acting in ways that I am not. sure its a smart idea to blame me and make me look like the problem to justify yourself ?


It hurts me deeply that I know what I was doing was right and I never actually done anything to hurt anyone but I am getting the shit anyway. It hurts me I have to let someone go that means very much to me because nothing seems to go right and every time we try to be friends or really have anything meaningful there is always a drama, problem, a longwinded explanation about who, what, when, and why,,or some run along story, or even a outright lie to excuse their behavior, actions, and lack of, or it's about how someone else might feel or think or do,or it's use someone else for a excuse and go to them to save their ass, because they cant bother with really being dead honest and come out with the actual truth. If you don't want to see me, talk to me, or have me around you can just tell me and get it over with. And the whole "I'm not getting what I want and need in my life so no one else is getting anything from me either" childish crap which serves no purpose but to make everyone and themselves miserable.


It seems no one is really considering how I might think or feel, or what I may have wanted or needed its just about what they want and what's good for them and how they want things to go. Maybe yes they do want to be their own person and go on with just their life and be themselves without attachments or commitments but please do not hurt others or drag others into your black hole of a life and cause them pain and misery and heartache either! I'm not a child you can tell me how to do things, how I have to act or behave, or how I need to be as a person or else I don't get anything from someone, I am not a dog that you can tell to mind and I am going to obey and bow down and play submissive just because someone seems to think they can get by with treating me like that. This selfish, self centered, controlling, dominating, ridiculously childish power trip they are on is not going to work with me and I am fed up and done! If friends, family, and others are walking out on them and refusing to have anything to do with them I am not surprised and am beginning to understand why.


Nevermind how much time, effort, emotions and selflessness I gave in trying to be the best friend I knew to be and how much I cared and wanted to care. Never mind how I treated them extremely well and tried to be the person they actually deserved to have. If I give something I would appreciate something in return but I basically got nothing out of it so I feel used and cheated and pissed on. It's better to hurt someone else so long as it means they don't have to be hurt? It's fine they treat you like others have treated them because it makes them feel better inside about themselves and how they get treated?  It's ok they keep going back to the same people that treated them like shit in the past and expect something to change, hoping if they do something right this time maybe it will be different, only to be hurt and let down because nothing changed and they end up getting hurt again, so they go straight back to the family and best friend and treat them like shit and shut themselves off from everyone and refuse to see or talk to anyone for weeks and ignore everyone and hide in their room and act like a moody teenager that isn't getting their way. And when you try to even talk to them to find out if they are ok or they need anything or what the problem is it gets you blown up at like its all to do with you and everything wrong in their life is somehow your fault or something you done. And they get mad at themselves and feel like shit and guilty and whatever else, because they know they have acted like a royal ass, but still accuse you of pushing things and trying to force yourself into their life, when you really haven't done that,it's them that hasn't bothered to call or have anything to do with you for weeks, and they call you names and accuse you of being someone you aren't are not and try to make you appear to be something and someone you know you aren't so they can justify themselves about what they haven't done and how they are not acting or being for themselves and you.  


What hurts me the most is I gave a hell of a lot for someone and something I originally believed was really going to be worth my time and effort and what I was willing to be and give. And every time I thought they were going forward they want to step back and shy away and refuse to move like a stubborn, balking mule's ass that is stuck in a mud hole and you have to all but stick a cattle prod to their ass and either hurt their feelings or piss them off or arouse some kind of strong emotion to get them to do anything or even to take a step forward in a better direction and even if they know you are right and what you're doing is right they still wont allow you to help or care for them.  Its always about what someone else is possibly going to say or what they might do or what they might think, they are always allowing others to somehow influence or have control over what they can do or who they can see or have anything to do with, and how they can or cant go on with their lives.


Maybe I really do see that deep down, this person is worth what I can give them and they really can be a better person and be a good person for themselves and maybe me too, but it is just not going to happen right now and the way it's going right now it may not ever, and I feel very let down and disappointed. I'm trying to not be depressed and feel ashamed of myself  because I really don't have a reason to be feeling that way. I know I did and said the right things and I tried  everything I know to be the right kind of person. but I cant help feeling like somehow I have lost something important and meaningful to me and there is no real way I can fix it and I hate feeling helpless and lost like that. Maybe before long I will see a sign of something good and things will look up for the better for at least one of us, if I have to go on with my life and forget everything I had with this friend then I guess that's what is going to be.  anyone reading this I'd appreciate some guidance or words of inspiration ..I feel so low inside myself right now and I'm struggling inside with what to do or how to feel..