I will be more than happy to get this year behind me and start a new one! This week just keeps getting worse it seems, after last Monday's Pluto Uranus Square, it has been one mess after another. More drama and aggravation came in the form of another female relative two days ago, when someone called me after her and her spouse had been arguing and she has been drinking again..I have no interest or patience with drunken raging and ranting, I am more than done with that particular situation I have listened to that broken record off and on for about 15 years now and I really I wish that scenario would just end and be done! It is not my situation or my problem to solve or change and never was to begin with.
A week or so ago I actually had a dream depicting a very similar situation concerning this one relative, and what may have happened had I or my son would have been there, or what may still happen if I go over there, which is why I am holding off about going to visit relatives for the holidays. I have no intention of walking into a warzone or allowing my child to be anywhere near it or involved in it. That situation affects everyone that knows them in negative ways and only stirs the shit pot that much more.
I personally just want to go back to my work that I have had to put on hold, write on my books, start some new work projects, and focus on manifesting positive and productive energy into our lives. That is going to be tonight's intention while I am working in the circle. This is the longest night of the year and I intend to manifest something positive and get rid of things, people, and situations that no longer serve a place or purpose and do nothing but cause a hindrance.. I seriously might just stay home for the holidays and go nowhere or visit anyone. I have no interest in being made responsible or having the responsibility of everyone else's issues and problems thrust onto me as if I have the power and wherewithal to fix or change it.
I see others in my social circle dealing with similar issues and that aggravates me as I feel like they too should be allowed to move on with their own lives in a positive direction and be relatively free from worries, stress, and negative situations and people that are bringing them down and they should not have to be dragged along into other people's problems and troubles that are not their burden to be carrying. Our own little world is heavy enough to carry let us not have asteroids and black holes attached! I bid everyone good day and Bright Blessings, I will be back soon to update and hopefully the next post will contain much happier news to report.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
12/18/2014 Pluto Uranus Square update..
So the planetary Square I mentioned in my last post brought some serious emotional turbulence to my life and I do not think it's done throwing curveballs at me yet. First I got into a heated discussion with a family member over a financial issue, then yesterday a friend of mine shocked me with a surprise visit and pregnancy announcement. I get to be a "auntie" to my long time friends new baby. I was so not prepared for that. I am going to be honest about something, I have always wanted more children. I can't have that happen for me anymore. I wanted to be happy for her, I tried to show some enthusiasm but I'm pretty sure it was noticed that I wasn't too thrilled. Instead I was very upset inside about it but I didn't tell her that. I had no right to taint or crush her happy news with my own inner turmoil about a delicate and touchy subject. I wasn't even angry or upset at her.. I was being forced to examine something about myself that has long been a source of unhappiness for me.
It angered me to tears and I was very hurt inside and depressed that I have to stand by and watch a dream of mine crumble and I will most likely not get another chance to have that personal joy. That is a dream I have to let go of, I have to let it fade away and find another dream. I'm about to be 32, my options for becoming a mother again are slowly disappearing, and economically and financially it's not a smart or wise decision to start with. There is also the fact I have no one in my life to have that kind of blessing with and even if it were someone else's kids I would be fine with that. I have to face real facts and not dwell on a dream I have silently nurtured for a long time. I know it is probably God and Goddess's will that I don't get to have anymore kids, but I cannot help but feel cheated, overlooked, and somehow inadequate. I realize that I might be acting and feeling selfish or self centered. But it has always been a deep and burning desire of mine to be the parent, wife, woman, and mother that I myself did not get to really have growing up, and I have to say that my own personal ambitions and the actions I took towards trying to achieving that goal did not go as I hoped, despite a lot of work and effort and time I devoted to it. I am doing the best I can with what I have and I already know it is not enough in a lot of ways. I screwed up, I failed, I made stupid mistakes. I would give almost anything to have another chance to achieve that dream in a way that makes me feel content and whole inside myself.
I already have two children, from three failed relationships and two divorces.15 years ago, when I was asked what I wanted from life, I said I wanted at least 4 kids, a happy marriage and home life and all those things that at that time I really never had , however that didn't quite happen for me. One child I have and the other I don't. Me being forced to be the "part time" parent to one of the kids and barely getting to be part of her life does not sit well with me and it is a source of constant emotional strain for everyone involved. I feel it should never had to have happened that way and I cannot just wave a wand and fix that. My hands are tied, I am helpless and powerless against a lot of things in that situation and that makes me seethe and hurt even more.
I try to see the silver lining and blessing in disguise and realize that there is a good reason for everything that I have to go through and endure in this life. But Goddess help me I'm not having a very clear vision yet of how and why some things are supposed to be "good" for me right now. I guess that goes along with the idea that sometimes you get what you ask for, just not always in the ways you wanted or asked for exactly, and then you get shown why it is that certain things and situations maybe wasn't meant for you to have and wasn't good for your personal and spiritual development. You can dream and have ambitions towards something but that does not mean it is really what you "need" and what is ultimately best for you, and despite how unfair, cruel, and bitter, and unhappy some things may be, or how you feel and think about it, it is still for yours and everyone's best interest in the end. That is God and Goddess will and intention and no amount of ranting, raging, and yanking their proverbial chain is going to change their minds.
On a brighter note.. I have recently found more means of financial income, I found a Amazon work site that seems to be holding up to it's promise as claimed , as I have already made a few dollars from it. This adds to the other work I have been trying to do for other sites and the book endeavors I have been working on. Somewhere along this I am going to hit it big financially, I can feel it, something good is coming for me in a area of money or something to do with wealth and monetary or material prosperity. There will be something good manifest as a result of all the tedious and time consuming tasks I have been throwing myself into for weeks now. I am aiming for a decent tax refund this coming year, so I can maybe move into a different home or apartment. I also have a gofundme page set up.. although I am not exactly expecting donations from that..it was a idea a friend suggested to me and said try it out and see what happens. I need help with funds to maybe get a down payment to buy a nicer home and set up a space for my Pagan crafts business I previously wrote about in here months ago. That is currently a lot more money than I have right now!
I would like to see that financial goal manifest this coming year. I bought a new wallet recently and I am going to use this New Moon in Capricorn on the Winter Solstice to bless it, and all of my things associated with my finances, and place a money drawing spell on the wallet and request a new financial beginning for myself. I feel this is something that will be favored. My new years resolutions will start this coming Sunday, I will try to have my second book published, and make enough money from my other financial efforts to have the home and business I am looking at. I guess I shall go for now, I have written a short novel here! Bright Blessings to everyone and Happy Holidays and Blessed Yule! I will try to be back in here after the x-mas holidays are done!
It angered me to tears and I was very hurt inside and depressed that I have to stand by and watch a dream of mine crumble and I will most likely not get another chance to have that personal joy. That is a dream I have to let go of, I have to let it fade away and find another dream. I'm about to be 32, my options for becoming a mother again are slowly disappearing, and economically and financially it's not a smart or wise decision to start with. There is also the fact I have no one in my life to have that kind of blessing with and even if it were someone else's kids I would be fine with that. I have to face real facts and not dwell on a dream I have silently nurtured for a long time. I know it is probably God and Goddess's will that I don't get to have anymore kids, but I cannot help but feel cheated, overlooked, and somehow inadequate. I realize that I might be acting and feeling selfish or self centered. But it has always been a deep and burning desire of mine to be the parent, wife, woman, and mother that I myself did not get to really have growing up, and I have to say that my own personal ambitions and the actions I took towards trying to achieving that goal did not go as I hoped, despite a lot of work and effort and time I devoted to it. I am doing the best I can with what I have and I already know it is not enough in a lot of ways. I screwed up, I failed, I made stupid mistakes. I would give almost anything to have another chance to achieve that dream in a way that makes me feel content and whole inside myself.
I already have two children, from three failed relationships and two divorces.15 years ago, when I was asked what I wanted from life, I said I wanted at least 4 kids, a happy marriage and home life and all those things that at that time I really never had , however that didn't quite happen for me. One child I have and the other I don't. Me being forced to be the "part time" parent to one of the kids and barely getting to be part of her life does not sit well with me and it is a source of constant emotional strain for everyone involved. I feel it should never had to have happened that way and I cannot just wave a wand and fix that. My hands are tied, I am helpless and powerless against a lot of things in that situation and that makes me seethe and hurt even more.
I try to see the silver lining and blessing in disguise and realize that there is a good reason for everything that I have to go through and endure in this life. But Goddess help me I'm not having a very clear vision yet of how and why some things are supposed to be "good" for me right now. I guess that goes along with the idea that sometimes you get what you ask for, just not always in the ways you wanted or asked for exactly, and then you get shown why it is that certain things and situations maybe wasn't meant for you to have and wasn't good for your personal and spiritual development. You can dream and have ambitions towards something but that does not mean it is really what you "need" and what is ultimately best for you, and despite how unfair, cruel, and bitter, and unhappy some things may be, or how you feel and think about it, it is still for yours and everyone's best interest in the end. That is God and Goddess will and intention and no amount of ranting, raging, and yanking their proverbial chain is going to change their minds.
On a brighter note.. I have recently found more means of financial income, I found a Amazon work site that seems to be holding up to it's promise as claimed , as I have already made a few dollars from it. This adds to the other work I have been trying to do for other sites and the book endeavors I have been working on. Somewhere along this I am going to hit it big financially, I can feel it, something good is coming for me in a area of money or something to do with wealth and monetary or material prosperity. There will be something good manifest as a result of all the tedious and time consuming tasks I have been throwing myself into for weeks now. I am aiming for a decent tax refund this coming year, so I can maybe move into a different home or apartment. I also have a gofundme page set up.. although I am not exactly expecting donations from that..it was a idea a friend suggested to me and said try it out and see what happens. I need help with funds to maybe get a down payment to buy a nicer home and set up a space for my Pagan crafts business I previously wrote about in here months ago. That is currently a lot more money than I have right now!
I would like to see that financial goal manifest this coming year. I bought a new wallet recently and I am going to use this New Moon in Capricorn on the Winter Solstice to bless it, and all of my things associated with my finances, and place a money drawing spell on the wallet and request a new financial beginning for myself. I feel this is something that will be favored. My new years resolutions will start this coming Sunday, I will try to have my second book published, and make enough money from my other financial efforts to have the home and business I am looking at. I guess I shall go for now, I have written a short novel here! Bright Blessings to everyone and Happy Holidays and Blessed Yule! I will try to be back in here after the x-mas holidays are done!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Pluto and Uranus Squares off Tomorrow!!
Get ready everyone, tomorrow is gonna be a doozy! Pluto and Uranus will square off for the 6th, time bringing huge and transformational upheavals and changes. Some of us may have already seen signs of tense energies and felt a strong stir in the air that something serious is about to happen. This is especially important for the Four Cardinal signs as these changes and upheavals may not be very comfortable and could possibly be catastrophic. The theme being played out on tomorrow's crazy square seems to be focused on romantic matters and close relationships with friends, lovers, marriage partners, and family.. This looks to be continuing for the whole week until the New Moon in Capricorn on the 21st. Saturday, the 20th, seems to really be the day for us to find out that everything we thought we knew about a relationship, well maybe we don't know anything....it's like having the wool ripped off our eyes and we see some things exactly for what it is and maybe is not. This might lead into serious breakups or possibly transform a relationship entirely to a new and intense level. Me, being a Capricorn, I hope this square doesn't rock my life and flip everything upside down and create chaos that I really don't need right now! If I remember correctly, the last square we had back in April, I was not happy with some of the things that happened then. Whatever happens I guess it will be for the better of everyone. This is going to be a short post, so Bright Blessings Everyone and I shall return soon!
Friday, December 5, 2014
Dec 6, 2014, Full Moon Here There Be Dragons..
The Full Moon is tomorrow. I have not had the greatest couple of weeks, today for instance, I removed a "friend" from my life. Said friend was becoming more and more toxic verbally, emotionally, and psychologically towards me, my associations with others, and themselves, and I felt it was no longer my place or purpose to be part of their life. After we had got into a heated snarling match day before yesterday and said person hit a very sensitive topic and hot button of mine the wrong way, and had already been pushing their luck, and my patience for weeks, I finally blew a fuse and cut this person off, in response to being ignored they called me so much and tried to blow up both my home line and my cell to where I ended up calling the phone company for instructions of how to block the number. nevermind the message I received on FB, that was just blocked and deleted. all methods of contact has now been deleted, blocked, and erased.
I don't feel guilt or remorse because this person has some issues they seriously need to work on and I am not going to be the outlet for the constant negativity or have it impact my life and of others I associate with in unhealthy ways. Of course my decision was met with fury, denial, pleading, and then insults and more negative reactions. I am not changing my mind or reneging on my decision out of remorse, guilt, or pity because there isn't any. I was so annoyed and frustrated with it all that I felt it best to not work on any serious spell work this weekend, aside from charging my bags and crystals and perhaps a bit of protection and shielding might not be a bad idea. I have from tonight until Monday to refocus my energy in case I decide to work on anything requiring moderate amounts of energy.
On a brighter note, onto a new interesting subject I am now researching, I had my aura read from a friend, of which I have never really had done before. I discovered my aura is a dark blue or indigo, and I have a massive, black dragon guardian. Whom is very serious and secretive about sharing anything between himself and outsiders. I know very little about dragons and their magic, however I do know that dragons are fierce, possessive guardians and protectors of what and whom they consider theirs. They do not like everyone and if they don't like you, well I guess you are just going to be crispy fried like KFC chicken if you push the wrong button. They are wise and all knowing in regards to learning how to master oneself. I have always felt a massive looming presence with me for as long as I can remember, and now I think back on all of those incidents with hot and electrical objects when I was a kid and during my teen years and I have to wonder if that was a early sign of my protector, even if it was scary and sometimes dangerous.
But I never got to be revealed too much as to what and whom it may had been until now. Before I only got to see glimmers, and a shape that I was convinced was someone/something brooding, potentially dangerous and had a very reserved and cool energy, and I am somewhat mollified to discover that he is apparently very huge, very old, black or dark in color, hence the "dark" presence, its not the personality it is in fact the coloring. I cant go into this description too much lest I be considered some sort of lunatic. Not everyone believes in dragons or "mythical creatures" let alone the concept of having one for a guardian. Research the term "Otherkin"..that seems to be rather interesting and informative.
Now I have to muster up some big brass and figure out how to be more in tune and how to really work with this awe inspiring creature that sees fit to watch over and teach me a few things. It at least explains my attraction to art, and objects that resemble half human demons, dark angels, and similar creatures.. they usually are all depicted to have dragon type wings.. hmm. It seems important that I not share too much about him or his purpose or anything he might be teaching me.. apparently that is supposed to be just between us for now until I get the formal permission to share it. I find it rather amusing in a way.. imagine the little tiny petite girl has a black, fire breathing, dragon the size of her house watching down on her. Does anyone else that reads my posts know anything about dragons? If so, don't hesitate to share with me your experiences and what you have learned thus far. This is a entirely new concept to me and any advice or instruction I could learn would be greatly appreciated!! Bright Blessings to Everyone!
I don't feel guilt or remorse because this person has some issues they seriously need to work on and I am not going to be the outlet for the constant negativity or have it impact my life and of others I associate with in unhealthy ways. Of course my decision was met with fury, denial, pleading, and then insults and more negative reactions. I am not changing my mind or reneging on my decision out of remorse, guilt, or pity because there isn't any. I was so annoyed and frustrated with it all that I felt it best to not work on any serious spell work this weekend, aside from charging my bags and crystals and perhaps a bit of protection and shielding might not be a bad idea. I have from tonight until Monday to refocus my energy in case I decide to work on anything requiring moderate amounts of energy.
On a brighter note, onto a new interesting subject I am now researching, I had my aura read from a friend, of which I have never really had done before. I discovered my aura is a dark blue or indigo, and I have a massive, black dragon guardian. Whom is very serious and secretive about sharing anything between himself and outsiders. I know very little about dragons and their magic, however I do know that dragons are fierce, possessive guardians and protectors of what and whom they consider theirs. They do not like everyone and if they don't like you, well I guess you are just going to be crispy fried like KFC chicken if you push the wrong button. They are wise and all knowing in regards to learning how to master oneself. I have always felt a massive looming presence with me for as long as I can remember, and now I think back on all of those incidents with hot and electrical objects when I was a kid and during my teen years and I have to wonder if that was a early sign of my protector, even if it was scary and sometimes dangerous.
But I never got to be revealed too much as to what and whom it may had been until now. Before I only got to see glimmers, and a shape that I was convinced was someone/something brooding, potentially dangerous and had a very reserved and cool energy, and I am somewhat mollified to discover that he is apparently very huge, very old, black or dark in color, hence the "dark" presence, its not the personality it is in fact the coloring. I cant go into this description too much lest I be considered some sort of lunatic. Not everyone believes in dragons or "mythical creatures" let alone the concept of having one for a guardian. Research the term "Otherkin"..that seems to be rather interesting and informative.
Now I have to muster up some big brass and figure out how to be more in tune and how to really work with this awe inspiring creature that sees fit to watch over and teach me a few things. It at least explains my attraction to art, and objects that resemble half human demons, dark angels, and similar creatures.. they usually are all depicted to have dragon type wings.. hmm. It seems important that I not share too much about him or his purpose or anything he might be teaching me.. apparently that is supposed to be just between us for now until I get the formal permission to share it. I find it rather amusing in a way.. imagine the little tiny petite girl has a black, fire breathing, dragon the size of her house watching down on her. Does anyone else that reads my posts know anything about dragons? If so, don't hesitate to share with me your experiences and what you have learned thus far. This is a entirely new concept to me and any advice or instruction I could learn would be greatly appreciated!! Bright Blessings to Everyone!
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