So the planetary Square I mentioned in my last post brought some serious emotional turbulence to my life and I do not think it's done throwing curveballs at me yet. First I got into a heated discussion with a family member over a financial issue, then yesterday a friend of mine shocked me with a surprise visit and pregnancy announcement. I get to be a "auntie" to my long time friends new baby. I was so not prepared for that. I am going to be honest about something, I have always wanted more children. I can't have that happen for me anymore. I wanted to be happy for her, I tried to show some enthusiasm but I'm pretty sure it was noticed that I wasn't too thrilled. Instead I was very upset inside about it but I didn't tell her that. I had no right to taint or crush her happy news with my own inner turmoil about a delicate and touchy subject. I wasn't even angry or upset at her.. I was being forced to examine something about myself that has long been a source of unhappiness for me.
It angered me to tears and I was very hurt inside and depressed that I have to stand by and watch a dream of mine crumble and I will most likely not get another chance to have that personal joy. That is a dream I have to let go of, I have to let it fade away and find another dream. I'm about to be 32, my options for becoming a mother again are slowly disappearing, and economically and financially it's not a smart or wise decision to start with. There is also the fact I have no one in my life to have that kind of blessing with and even if it were someone else's kids I would be fine with that. I have to face real facts and not dwell on a dream I have silently nurtured for a long time. I know it is probably God and Goddess's will that I don't get to have anymore kids, but I cannot help but feel cheated, overlooked, and somehow inadequate. I realize that I might be acting and feeling selfish or self centered. But it has always been a deep and burning desire of mine to be the parent, wife, woman, and mother that I myself did not get to really have growing up, and I have to say that my own personal ambitions and the actions I took towards trying to achieving that goal did not go as I hoped, despite a lot of work and effort and time I devoted to it. I am doing the best I can with what I have and I already know it is not enough in a lot of ways. I screwed up, I failed, I made stupid mistakes. I would give almost anything to have another chance to achieve that dream in a way that makes me feel content and whole inside myself.
I already have two children, from three failed relationships and two divorces.15 years ago, when I was asked what I wanted from life, I said I wanted at least 4 kids, a happy marriage and home life and all those things that at that time I really never had , however that didn't quite happen for me. One child I have and the other I don't. Me being forced to be the "part time" parent to one of the kids and barely getting to be part of her life does not sit well with me and it is a source of constant emotional strain for everyone involved. I feel it should never had to have happened that way and I cannot just wave a wand and fix that. My hands are tied, I am helpless and powerless against a lot of things in that situation and that makes me seethe and hurt even more.
I try to see the silver lining and blessing in disguise and realize that there is a good reason for everything that I have to go through and endure in this life. But Goddess help me I'm not having a very clear vision yet of how and why some things are supposed to be "good" for me right now. I guess that goes along with the idea that sometimes you get what you ask for, just not always in the ways you wanted or asked for exactly, and then you get shown why it is that certain things and situations maybe wasn't meant for you to have and wasn't good for your personal and spiritual development. You can dream and have ambitions towards something but that does not mean it is really what you "need" and what is ultimately best for you, and despite how unfair, cruel, and bitter, and unhappy some things may be, or how you feel and think about it, it is still for yours and everyone's best interest in the end. That is God and Goddess will and intention and no amount of ranting, raging, and yanking their proverbial chain is going to change their minds.
On a brighter note.. I have recently found more means of financial income, I found a Amazon work site that seems to be holding up to it's promise as claimed , as I have already made a few dollars from it. This adds to the other work I have been trying to do for other sites and the book endeavors I have been working on. Somewhere along this I am going to hit it big financially, I can feel it, something good is coming for me in a area of money or something to do with wealth and monetary or material prosperity. There will be something good manifest as a result of all the tedious and time consuming tasks I have been throwing myself into for weeks now. I am aiming for a decent tax refund this coming year, so I can maybe move into a different home or apartment. I also have a gofundme page set up.. although I am not exactly expecting donations from that..it was a idea a friend suggested to me and said try it out and see what happens. I need help with funds to maybe get a down payment to buy a nicer home and set up a space for my Pagan crafts business I previously wrote about in here months ago. That is currently a lot more money than I have right now!
I would like to see that financial goal manifest this coming year. I bought a new wallet recently and I am going to use this New Moon in Capricorn on the Winter Solstice to bless it, and all of my things associated with my finances, and place a money drawing spell on the wallet and request a new financial beginning for myself. I feel this is something that will be favored. My new years resolutions will start this coming Sunday, I will try to have my second book published, and make enough money from my other financial efforts to have the home and business I am looking at. I guess I shall go for now, I have written a short novel here! Bright Blessings to everyone and Happy Holidays and Blessed Yule! I will try to be back in here after the x-mas holidays are done!
No comments:
Post a Comment